Last month was seriously an emotional roller coaster for me.
I didn't realise at that time how wretched I was until I looked back at it .
I was an emotional wreck.
It all started when my grandpa begun his chemotherapy .
The day he got his first dose of chemo, my entire brain will thinking of how all the possibilities although my body was physically in school.
I wasn't too worried then tho because the chemotherapy isn't too lethal.
Perhaps I was worried about the side effects but after calling him after school ended, it seemed that his symptoms weren't as bad as I imagined.
My fourth uncle suffered from cancer as well so I understood the symptoms of chemotherapy and my grandpa had it better than my uncle. (tho still, it's just the first dose)
I didn't realise that deep inside, I was dead worried about my grandpa's health.
To the point, the same night my grandpa did his first chemotherapy, I had a nightmare that my grandpa died.
I woke up at 5:30 am that morning (I haven't woke up that early for school since Form 1) and I found it impossible to go back to sleep.
I didn't realise it at that time but when I looked back,
I realised that I was more worried than I thought.
but that period passed and my grandpa's first try in chemotherapy went considerably fine.
Then came the second blow.
My Bell Bell was diagnosed with a malignant tumor in her mouth and it was confirmed cancer.
As I waited with Bell at the veterinarian for her turn, I stared at her and I can't imagine her having a tumor in her.
She was so energetic and constantly trying to either eat the "in-her-opinion" annoying cat or sniffing other dogs.
I always have this sick thought whenever I enter the vet with Bell that I will never have my dog back.
It seemed very reasonable to think so because I can't remember a time when Bell wasn't sick.
Finally it was Bell's turn to be examined and the doctor had to sedate her because she hated the doctor wayy too much.
The doctor examined the tumor and that was the first time I had a close view of a real life tumor.
It was nothing pleasant, I assure you.
The first thing I thought when I peeked into Bell's mouth was, "Man, Bell needs to brush her teeth".
I know, sick humor.
Then, the doctor said there was really no way but to cut the tumor out because it was growing rapidly and soon enough, the tumor will grow too big that she can no longer swallow her food.
There were two options available, a normal surgery or a laser surgery.
However, the laser surgery was just too expensive and there was no other choice but a normal surgery.
The normal surgery had more risk of blood loss but it was a lot more affordable.
We couldn't afford to wait any longer to do the surgery because of the rapid growth of the tumor.
At that point, I was already crying.
My brain was processing a lot of ridiculous thoughts, "What if Bell dies of blood loss?", that sort of thoughts.
It was the longest hour ever.
Don't mistaken me, I don't cry easily in public.
but there are things that I can't stand and this is one of it.
Someone I love dying, even the thought of it is terrible.
Now that it's over, I'm just so glad and I hope for a better September.
